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Into The Motherhood

...Not that I have been posting much here these days anyway, but lately in particular my reason for being swept away doing other things has been the birth of my sweet Lil' baby man Grant Sullivan Inkster (he goes by Sully/Sullivan tho). He was born on August 4th 2015 at 10:20 pm. I ended up having an emergency C-section after 3 1/2 *days'* worth of contractions! He was a whopping 10 lbs 1 oz!! What a wild ride pregnancy + labor was, and motherhood is shaping up to be the same only more! What love I feel though! What mind bending love I feel for this little guy!! He's hard work but I grow more and more up to the challenge as the days roll on....

Looking for a place to happen

Here I sit on the front deck of my almost in-laws house. I am waiting for my Mom to call back, waiting for my Sammy to come back from firefighting in Alberta, waiting for this baby inside me to make its grand appearance.... Of course only the first thing will come today. My Mom called while I was out for a mid morning stroll.
For the most part it's alright staying here but occasionally I start to feel suffocated. I am, afterall, an almost 32 yr old living at someone's parents' place! I know they want to help out with the baby when he arrives and that's great, I just wish I could be in my own zone and not in their basement. I feel like a teenager again except I'm essentially nine months pregnant. This is highlighted by the fact that Sam isn't even here. I'm really happy he's off working to provide for us, it's just odd feeling at times I'm here with his parents, without him.
I guess I should be jusf grateful I'm not out on the streets or something....
I'm bored, lonely, and feel imprisoned by my body. Maybe I should just take a nap! Lol.
This morning finds me sitting quite comfortably on my recliner sipping coffee and taking in the gloriousity (is that a word?! Oh well!) of the latest binaural beat I've come across. I've just recently been exploring these. For those not in the know, binaural beats are the products of two sounds in harmony. They produce sounds heard only by the brain. These unique audio sensations are the result of harmonic resonance between brain wave. They are produced when when two tones of slightly different frequencies are played separately in each ear.

It has been shown by neuoscientiists and psychological researchers that binaural beats can alter the dominant brainwave frequency of the mind Though modifying your brainwave frequencies, binaual beats can enable you into EEG measured bain wave frequencies refereed to as alpha, theta, or delta state.

Each of these brainwave patterns has been associated with different states of consciousness, for example; generally the alpha state is associated with relaxation and calmness, and delta is associated with healing deep sleep.

The ability of binaural beats to change consciousness has been associated with Stress reduction, Sleepiness, Altered states of Consciousness, Feeling of oceanic awareness or a detached observer are among those reported by those entering into these brain rhythms. Other reports include more vibrant health, increased memory functioning, more focused thought patterns. And additionally come have said to feel Increased energy flow, enhanced creativity, heightened levels of intuitive knowledge and many positive, beneficial changes.

Sam and I have been listening to various binaural beats/tones for the last few days, in the mornings/early afternoon before I head off to work and we've both felt something and thought these tones + beats were neat.
Mainly I've just looked them up on YouTube.

This one is a really good one that is for chronic pain relief:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWwepHrxzzY

There are also things called Isochronic tones which are similar in that they also deal in brain entrainment. I'm still quite new to these concepts so I'm not trying to "teach" anyone about them, but I am researching and finding it all very fascinating ;)

I like to keep an open-mind about anything that I can use as a tool to better myself + feel better within myself and my current life. I am realizing that my past negativity and cynicism really did nothing for me and although I needed to go through it for one reason or another at the time, I have no use for it now. Why cling to shittiness?!
On that note, today marks my 3rd week as a non-smoker. Damn i feel great! Good-bye poison! Ciao smoker's cough! Au Revoir butt-rolling-smoke-bum-ing-yucky-tasting-paying-through-the-nose-to-constantly-feel shitty and anxious!! :D

the moments of my life

It's beautiful and sunny out today. I left the door open so Zilla can poke her head out without having to fully commit to being outside. I am dressed and fed but still lingering at home. Part of me is apprehensive about seeking out my Mom's company again. Still I know she came here to visit me so I should give it another go. I just hope a more mellow time can be had. It bugs me when she thinks I'm trying to give her a hard time or thinks I'm grouchy because of something she thinks happened between Sam and I. I just get frustrated when the littlest things need such deliberations. Its hard to sit and have coffee for hours whilst being told you seem sad or bored or mad, being somewhat interrogated and then if shedoesn't like your response or facial expression she gets all upset. Do you want to know the real me or would you rather I pretend harder to be the me you want? I guess we just have a complex relationship that requires some serious mental choreography to navigate.

The kind that can really weigh me down sometimes. Still, she's my mom and I love her. It's still early. I think I'll linger here a little longer before I try again.


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ashley anf asia rad

Me and my little sister Asia.
sam and ash

Me and my sweet silly sexy Sam