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check that smooth grin

If enjoying taking your own picture is wrong--- then I don't want to be right!
Sadly I wasn't able to have a drama free time with my Mom today. I tried hard to be upbeat and polite and everything but she just always sounds pissed off and she seems to have great difficulty with just being chill. She asks a million asanine questions while paying more attention to other people or what she thinks to be a negative reaction. I'm sorry I don't know my friend's boyfriend's mom's work schedule or whatever....does it really matter?! Stupid stuff like that mixed with her seeming to not enjoy her bf's company but still being so concerned about what he's going to do next....Everything has to play out in her mind a certain way and then go as her internal plan otherwise she just shuts down and gets bitchy.
She acts like a bitchy teenaged girl. It becomes impossible to just BE. Grr. This is supposed to go on for four more days?! Fuck!

Oct. 12th, 2013

House is clean and so am I. Almost ready to leave to go meet my Mom. She forgot her coffee cup here last night. I'm going to bring it to her with fresh coffee in it. My goal today is to give her my undivided attention and energy, as much as I can spare. If there's laughs to be had, we're gonna have em'!

Today I am Grateful.

Today I am grateful to be alive.
I am grateful for the ability to see, hear, touch, taste, smell.
I am grateful for the ability to walk.
I am grateful for my loved ones, I aim to make no enemies.
I am grateful for a bounty of food, some time with my kin.
I am grateful for free time to utilize my free will.
I am grateful for a roof over my head, a bed in which to sleep.
I am so grateful for Sammy and his family and their love and light in my life.
I am grateful for miss Zilla cat, her quirky but loving nature.
I am grateful for not living in a war torn country.
I am grateful for clean, running (and warm!) Water.
I am grateful for toilet paper, indoor plumbing
and comfortable living in every capacity available to me
I love and am very grateful of my parents.
I am grateful for the birds chirping, the man hammering on his roof.
All the living proof of this world, all of the perfect imperfection.

I am grateful for the sweet chaos and the insecurity which helps
with contrast and perspective, during times of peace and security. If there
really exists security in anything...

I am grateful for any amount of sunshine, cell phone service, and
Letters in my mailbox that aren't bills.
I am grateful for new socks, shoes, a new hoodie. Any and all
good news. I am so grateful for your laugh and your smile.
Stay with me for a while.
I'm grateful you're you.

time to chill

It's early enough that I still feel like I could go back to sleep. I'm giving myself
some space and time before I go meet my Mom. She just got into town
yesterday afternoon and I think might be staying through the weekend.
I'm glad to see her, but naturally a hermit/loner type so I still crave my home alone
un obligated time as well.
Rght now I'm having coffee, doing a load if laundry, and trying to just find a balance
between alert and relaxed.
I guess that's, the cruel ironic joke about coffee and cigarettes--- you may never
get the right balance of these two things. None of them is probably your best bet!

Even though it's getting colder outside I still

find myself on my deck a lot. Doing these two things.
When will I realize I'm better off not poisoning myself? How do I make "h
Bah. I will keep trying. Perhaps one day this head s
will seem incredibly foreign to me. Right now I'm in the thick of
some stuff. My comfort zone has shrunk away, but there's possibility of growth
within that adversity.
For now I will go inside, ease up on the smoking, lie down for a bit. Unless burn out overtakes me the two and a half tall cups of coffee will keep me awake.
I still have a good 4 hrs til I go meet my mom.
I want to be happy and somewhat energetic for her today.

I could tell she was sensing my irritation/fatigue yesterday.
Sometimes I just don't feel like answering a ton of questions or
telling her what I'm thinking based on every expression I make. My mom can
get a little up in my face and I don't want to be rude but sometimes I just get
weary from it.


Early morning farewell

Yesterday I got myself a job at a place called PRT. It's funny, I don't even
remember what that stands for, but anyway, it's a tree nursery. I start next week at
3PM so even though it's just barely getting on to 7 AM and I'm awake now
I'm going to have to get used to staying up later and getting up later. These early mornings
will become a thing of the past.
I'm nervous because of course all of this is outside my comfort zone; this also makes it exciting. I'm going to be doing something different.
I still like the idea of cleaning people's homes, but for now I can appreciate the short-term
stability that this job will afford. It's Monday to Friday (I believe), 3 pm- midnight.
They pay you every two weeks and they directly deposit your pay, so that's perfect.
I'm also going to be learning some new skills and getting out of kitchen work for
a while so I'm pleased about that as well.
I've spent so little time washing dishes lately I actually enjoy dish washing again!

I can honestly say I am glad I quit working at The Hume. I had some good times there, met some rad people; overall though, I needed a change. The negativity and overtly sexual
language was a little soul melting. I crave a more neutral work zone, where I can just go about my work and not be subjected to that particular brand of mental midgetry.

This isn't where I had pictured myself two months ago but I'm here now and I'm going
to own my choices :D

Upward and onward!

en route to bed

It's just about time to hit the hay;
Sam and I had a lovely day,
Earlier today as we were out enjoying the fall
I managed to get
A work phone call
So starting next week, in the afternoon
I will have a new place of work
I will make some money again soon
(Left to post this morning on phone)

a fresh start

So just recently I quit my job as a dishwasher/prep cook
and although I'm definitely looking for a replacement job
I also got to thinking that maybe now is my chance to
branch out and do some other form of work. Since I enjoy cleaning
and I believe I'm good at it I decided I would put up a Kijiji ad
as well as a couple other ads for housecleaning.
What a wonderful way to work for myself at my current
educational level!
This could be just the ticket to being self sustainable and happy for me.
I'm going to meet up with my first potential client in the next day
or two and go from there.
For now I'm going to research home cleaning and do what I
Can to build upon this idea. I'm going to be positive & optimistic
and I'm going to go for it!